


tell me which way to go (i don't know anymore).

by jingyeoms



Series: lost and found [1]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Minor Violence, Romance, kind of lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 11:38:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13189284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jingyeoms/pseuds/jingyeoms
Summary: intro 1 /Jaebum was seeing red. Every inch of his body felt like it was on fire, every word spoken and sound made was piercing to his ears, his throat was raw from screaming, knuckles painted in crimson red. The hands holding him back were bruising, imprints left on his pale skin that would bruise blue and purple later, he thrashed until his body gave out, falling limp in the arms of his weeping mother, body washed over by tranquility.intro 2 /Everything was very faint in Jinyoung’s head. His vision was hazy, people were discolored blobs, their incoherent words made him dizzy, more tired. His eyelids drooped, half asleep, and suddenly he became hyperaware. Aware of the blood curdling screams, aware of his slowing heartbeat, aware of the dampness on his wrist despite the rest of his body being dry. He hears sirens.





	tell me which way to go (i don't know anymore).

**Author's Note:**

> okay i'm finally back after not posting literally since april of this year i just had major writers block, and also had zero time! but i am back and i am here with a very depressing fic i'm sorry but i have fluffy 2jae planned SO DON'T FRET
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of suicide, self harm, drug abuse, depression, etc. IF ANY OF THESE ARE TRIGGERING TO YOU AND YOU DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE READING, CLICK OUT NOW. nothing gets too graphic, but this gets pretty heavy and overwhelming, so again, if any of these topics are triggering to you, please do not put yourself through this. 
> 
> i'm really in love with this story, i've been working on it since the jjp comeback and i really really feel proud of it and the way it's written, so i hope you can enjoy it as well!

intro 1 / Jaebum was seeing red. Every inch of his body felt like it was on fire, every word spoken and sound made was piercing to his ears, his throat was raw from screaming, knuckles painted in crimson red. The hands holding him back were bruising, imprints left on his pale skin that would bruise blue and purple later, he thrashed until his body gave out, falling limp in the arms of his weeping mother, body washed over by tranquility.

intro 2 / Everything was very faint in Jinyoung’s head. His vision was hazy, people were discolored blobs, their incoherent words made him dizzy, more tired. His eyelids drooped, half asleep, and suddenly he became hyperaware. Aware of the blood curdling screams, aware of his slowing heartbeat, aware of the dampness on his wrist despite the rest of his body being dry. He hears sirens.

present /

When Jinyoung wakes, his body aches and eyes sting, the walls all around him are white, and the scent of sterility fills his nostrils. Next to him is a boy with dark circles sagging underneath his eyes, despite the long lashes that rest peacefully on his skin. His hair is a mess and he’s not dressed in the same hospital gown Jinyoung was in, still deep in sleep.

“He’ll be your roommate,” a nurse supplies, snapping Jinyoung out of his trance, “as soon as you’re recovered and he’s awake and given his medicine, you’ll be sent to live in the quarters for patients.”

“Why did you let me live?” Jinyoung’s voice is harsh, but there’s a sadness to it, his body still overwhelmed with the same loathing feeling as the day before, but he felt far too weak to do anything about it.

“Sorry, sweetheart, but every life is precious. We’re here to help you get better.”

Hours later, the boy in the bed next to him rouses, and he seems all too normal and not enough broken - why was someone like him here? Here, with people like Jinyoung who despise every second of their being? Without a word, the boy is transferred into a wheelchair and wheeled out of the room - Jinyoung assumes to their living quarters, and he follows suit not long after.

He’s laying on the bed with a book in his hand, a focused look on his face when Jinyoung comes in and the nurse insists they talk and bond, and Jinyoung’s a little reluctant. The boy doesn't look half as broken as he does, he doesn't even look like he belongs, how could he get along with someone that doesn't know what it's like to be crazy? “Im Jaebum.” The boy extends his hand, a tight lipped smile on his lips.

“Park Jinyoung.” Their hands meet, the handshake firm and almost professional. “Why are you here?”

“Bipolar disorder. I guess I had a really extreme episode last night that they had to tranquilize me. My mom sent me here because she couldn't take it anymore. I don't blame her.”

Jinyoung’s heart drops into his stomach. He does know what it was like to be crazy after all - _literally_ crazy, Jinyoung is just sick, he's so depressed that it drives him to do crazy things, but Jaebum is a different story.

“And you?”

“Woke up here after a suicide attempt.” He says simply, “though I wish I hadn’t woken up at all.”

“That’s a dark place.” Jaebum neatly places a bookmark in his open page, shutting the book and setting it in the drawer of his pre-existing side table. “I know this won't do much for you and it all just sounds like empty promises, but it’ll get better."

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s different when you hear it from someone who’s a little crazy in the head, too.”

And Jaebum smiles. Jaebum’s probably the prettiest person Jinyoung’s ever seen. “Yeah, it is.”

Jaebum’s demeanor is welcoming, yet cold all at once - with broad shoulders he looks intimidating, eyes dulled over and dark with lips pursed into a straight line - but when he smiles, there are crinkles in his nose, his eyes are shaped like the moon, and his pearly whites ever so blinding. Jaebum _really_ might just be the prettiest person Jinyoung’s ever seen.

Jaebum sits across from him at the cafeteria, the silence comfortable despite it being their first meal together, the ambient sound of metal utensils clanking against metal trays and teeth scraping at grains of rice filling their ears. “Before you came here, what was it you wanted to do?”

“You’re asking me?” Jinyoung snorts humorously, a smile on his lips - one genuine one, where the skin around his eyes wrinkle, “my goal before coming here was to go to sleep and never wake up again.”

“Is that still your goal now that you’re here?”

Jinyoung thinks for a moment, shrugging his shoulders. “I don't know. They wouldn't let me do anything to myself here, I don’t think I have a choice, here.”

“What about when you leave, what will you do?” Jaebum’s looking up at him from underneath his eyelashes, they’re long and they caress his cheeks ever so gently - and he’s spooning his food absentmindedly.

“I don't know. Part of me wants to think I’ll just be the same person I was before I came here. The other part of me wants to change.”

“Well, that’s why we’re here, right? To change.” When Jinyoung looks up from his food he meets eyes with Jaebum, and the elder has a glint of determination and hope in his eyes. “I’m here to change, and you are too. It’s a matter of if we let ourselves.”

“The food is bland,” Jinyoung changes the subject, and Jaebum doesn't say anything.

Jaebum isn't half as bad as he makes himself out to be. Jinyoung hears all sorts of horror stories about his episodes, about all the people he’s hurt when he’s angry, but in reality Jaebum is just broken. He hurts the people he loves, loses their trust and their support, and they leave. That’s been all his life, but Jinyoung makes the promise to forgive him if he ever hurts him. Jaebum makes the promise to make him happy.

The first time Jaebum hurts Jinyoung is also the first time Jaebum breaks his promise of making Jinyoung happy. Jaebum has an episode - their living quarters are a wreck, there are ripped bedsheets scattered around the room, the mirror of their bathroom is shattered, clothes thrown to the floor, kicked and stomped on, Jaebum’s jaw is clenched and his eyes are filled with fire while Jinyoung sits in the corner of the room, breathing fast and uneven.

Jaebum screams at him, using every secret that Jinyoung poured out to him against him, and Jinyoung is weeping, afraid when the elder towers over him, seething. He cries out for help when Jaebum gets closer. Jaebum gets tranquilized and Jinyoung gets carried off into another room to calm down.

When Jaebum wakes up, Jinyoung isn't there, and an uneasy feeling settles in his stomach. As if on time, Jinyoung returns to the room, and Jaebum’s heart sinks when he sees the dark circles under Jinyoung’s usually cheerful eyes, and the mess of his usually well kept hair. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Jinyoung bends down to start cleaning up. “You can't control it. And I promised I would forgive you if you ever hurt me.”

Jaebum mirrors his actions, falling to his knees and gathering all the things he’d thrown and putting them in their rightful spots. “But I broke my promise. You’re supposed to be happy.”

“I can't exactly control that either, you know. Clinically depressed, remember?”

“But I said things that hurt you…” 

“And it's okay.” Jinyoung reassures him, carefully placing his fingers underneath Jaebum’s chin and forcing him to look up at him. Jinyoung smiles, and Jaebum knows it’s not real because the whiskers around his eyes are not as prominent, but he knows Jinyoung is trying, and that’s important to him. “You’re my best friend.”

“You’re mine too.”

Jinyoung smiles and stands up. “Awesome, so if you’re really sorry, you can do the duty of sweeping up and vacuuming all that glass before the repairman comes to change our mirror.”

Jaebum beams and salutes Jinyoung. “Yes sir.”

It's lunch again. It's their nth meal together since arriving at the hospital, “what’s your goal, now that you’re here?”

“I’m pretty sure we’ve had this conversation before.”

“I know, but has it changed?”

“It has.”

“How so?”

“I want to change. And I want to change with you. We can grow together.” Jaebum smiles, and it's that same smile. Jaebum’s still the prettiest person Jinyoung’s ever seen.

“Good, because I want to grow together with you, too.”

Jaebum isn't a person that gets scared easily. The thing that scares him the most are the terrified and hurt looks on the faces of his loved ones, but he’s strong, he’s practical, realistic. He thinks of the things that have the potential to scare him, and works and weaves through it in his head until it's no longer scary.

The first time Jaebum gets caught off guard is when Jinyoung is nowhere to be found. They go everywhere with each other - the places that there are to go, and for the first time in his life, Im Jaebum is terrified. Because Jinyoung is in no place he could think of, and a missing, barely twenty year old, depressed boy, is the scariest thought he’s ever had.

His heart drops when he hears the nurses panicking about a boy on the rooftop, and how no one can calm him down, no one can coax him. So Jaebum runs. He runs so hard and all he can think of is Jinyoung, he has to save Jinyoung. He won't let Jinyoung leave him. Not now and not ever. His breath is heaving when he gets to the rooftop, he’s hunched over, hands on his knees and head spinning, but he sees Jinyoung and every thought in his head is _Jinyoung_.

“Leave me alone.” Jinyoung’s voice breaks, already hoarse from the screaming and crying he did to get away from the nurses. “I’m not going to do it.”

“You better not. Or else I won't have the will to change, Jinyoung.” His head whips around at Jaebum’s voice, eyes wide with shock. “You’re not supposed to be up here.”

“I could say the same to you.”

“I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s really hard to wake up everyday loathing yourself, Jaebum. It's hard to even get myself to wake up. It was easy for a while, I could breathe easy for a while, but now it’s just routine. And I hate it so much.”

Jinyoung is standing by the edge, and it makes Jaebum uneasy, so he asks the other to come stand with him. He complies. “Do you see the stars, Jinyoung?”

Jaebum earns a meek nod before pulling Jinyoung down to the floor, sprawling his legs out and letting Jinyoung rest his head on his lap. “There’s a lot of things in this world that we take for granted. We don't notice because we’re too blinded by the ugly things around us. Aren’t they pretty?”

“They are.”

“The world isn't as cruel as you think. These little things are the things worth living for, don’t you think? When the skies are this pretty. I know it gets hard. There are times where I see nothing but red, but when I look at the sky, I think that if the skies are able to be this way when I feel as bad as I do, then maybe the world doesn't have its back turned against me.”

“Thank you. I’m okay now. I won't do it again.”

“I refuse to let someone I love leave me again. Not you. Especially not you. You’re the most important person in the world to me. If you leave me, I’ll be nothing.”

The sparkle in Jaebum’s eyes tells Jinyoung he’s going to cry. Jaebum isn’t a man of many tears, but the thought of losing Jinyoung hurts so much he thinks he’ll cry until he can no longer breathe, if it happens.

The second time Jaebum has an episode, Jinyoung is there. But this time he’s not crying, instead he’s got a firm grip on Jaebum’s shoulders, their foreheads are pressed together, his voice both soothing and demanding all at once. Jaebum calms down in a heartbeat and comes back to reality.

Jaebum asks Jinyoung if he can kiss him, and the younger doesn't protest. Jinyoung’s lips are just as soft as Jaebum imagined, and they kiss with fervor, lips melding together like two pieces of a puzzle.

Jaebum loves Jinyoung so much that loving him is like breathing, and Jinyoung doesn't need to ask nor tell, because they know each other better than they know themselves. Their love is there, and unspoken.

Jinyoung is crying now, when he can feel Jaebum’s breath on his lips; his heart soars when Jaebum begins to kiss away his tears with the utmost care, “I’m here. It's okay. We’ll be okay.”

Jaebum doesn't miss Jinyoung’s soft mumble of “I love you.”

“Me too.”

They have to hide their relationship from the nurses. So they share fleeting kisses at night when the watch is light, Jinyoung loves the way Jaebum looks under the moonlight after they kiss - his hair falling in front of his face in its natural waves, lips slightly swollen and cheeks dusted a light pink. A small shadow is cast on the side of his face where the moon doesn't shine, and Jinyoung finds it hard to believe that Jaebum is there, and he is his, completely, and utterly, his. Jinyoung’s never been in love before Jaebum. It was hard to love someone when he could hardly love himself, but Jaebum has healed his heart in ways he could never do alone; he loves both of Jaebum’s faces, he knows not much can be done, but he loves Jaebum regardless.

Jinyoung walks in one day with the brightest smile Jaebum’s ever seen from him, his eyes have completely disappeared and Jaebum has to suppress the urge to kiss the whiskers around his eyes and let the boy talk.

“Jaebummie,” Jinyoung can't contain his excitement, “my counselor says I’m making a lot of progress. Says I'm visibly happier. I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you.”

He goes up to Jinyoung and holds both his hands in his own, smiling brightly. “That’s so amazing. I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so well.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” And Jaebum pulls him in for a chaste kiss. He’s never loved someone the way he loves Jinyoung. There’s just something about everything that he is that has Jaebum so enamored.

He never wants to be apart from Jinyoung.

That doesn't last long, not when the doctors discharge him and send him home with his mother, and Jinyoung is sobbing in his arms before he walks out the door. “I’ll visit everyday, baby. Please stay strong. I love you so much.”

Jinyoung loses it the moment Jaebum is gone. Maybe he’s a bit too reliant on him, he’ll admit, but Jaebum’s been the only thing to keep him happy for the entire year that he’s been stuck there, the walls are suffocating, and not having Jaebum there to pull him away from the thoughts in his head makes it all the more difficult.

He’s not allowed any cell phone, he has no way to call or text him, to hear from him, and it hurts Jinyoung to not even hear his voice.

Jaebum doesn't visit everyday, but he tries to visit as often as he can. He tells Jinyoung that his mom is keeping a watchful eye on him so he doesn't cause any trouble again, there are times where she prevents him from visiting the hospital and he has to do it behind her back, and that he’s gotten a job doing music - what he loves, Jinyoung thinks - and it’s starting to get busy.

His progress begins to deteriorate, his counselor tells him, she sees the way he scratches at his wrists as an outlet for his internal pain, and she notices him pacing around the doorway with the staircase that leads to the rooftop.

Jinyoung cries himself to sleep every night. He has one of Jaebum’s sweaters that only smells faintly of him, the bed opposite of his is occupied by an older boy named Mark.

Mark is kind, and he’s understanding. He is both straightforward and nurturing, and although Jinyoung is still miserable, and often pushes the elder away, Mark understands. Jinyoung doesn't really know what Mark is there for. He never really bothered to ask, and it was rude of him, especially to pile all his bullshit on the Taiwanese boy and never let him do anything in return.

When he asks, Mark simply shrugs. “I’m here for rehabilitation. Substance abuse.”

“I’m sorry you have to deal with me.”

Mark ruffles his hair affectionately. “It’s okay. I’ve been there too, you know. It was the whole reason I started what got me here. But don't ever use it as an outlet for you depression. There’s better ways. Safer ways. We just have to keep looking.”

Jinyoung learns to trust Mark. Mark fills in empty holes in his heart when Jaebum doesn’t visit, and despite small gaps in their language, Mark is a listener. He knows everything there is to know about Jaebum and Jinyoung’s relationship with Jaebum, and even though Jinyoung fears he won't be accepting, Mark smiles the cheeky smile he always does.

He tells Jinyoung about his own struggles with his sexuality growing up, how his ex-boyfriend introduced him to drugs, how he said okay because they made him forget about his depression, but he regrets it a lot now. Jinyoung can tell by the way Mark looks at himself in the mirror.

“There is no one in this world that will love you as much as he does,” Mark starts, “even if one day in the future you break up, right now, in this moment, no love could ever surpass what he feels for you. And I know it's hard because he’s not here anymore and you don't have his physical presence, but if there's anyone in this world that is rooting you on through this journey harder than I am, it's him.”

Jaebum doesn’t show for a month, and Mark isn’t surprised when he sees Jinyoung having an anxiety attack in the corner of their room, he isn't surprised when he’s yelled at at go away. In any other situation Mark wouldn't have listened, he would have coaxed Jinyoung into serenity and tranquility, he would've coddled him into believing things were okay. He didn't leave - there was no way he would leave Jinyoung alone in the state that he was in, but he allowed Jinyoung to calm down on his own under his watch.

It was when Jinyoung made the move to leave that Mark spoke up. “Where are you going?”

“For air.”

Mark knows he’s not going for air, so he follows. Jinyoung can feel Mark’s presence, and he thinks it's no use for Mark to stop him. He’s not Jaebum, no one could ever heal him the way Jaebum could, nothing was the same, and nothing ever will be.

Jinyoung feels bad that Mark has to witness this. His teetering at the edge of the building, ready to let gravity take its toll on him, but he sees Jaebum behind his closed eyes and he can't do it. He turns around and stumbles into Mark’s arms, and Mark smells faintly of pine needles and cinnamon, unlike Jaebum whose natural scent is musky and alluring. It’s not nearly as soothing to be in Mark’s arms as it is in Jaebum’s.

Jaebum is broader, has more meat on his bones, squishier and comfier, but the warmth and comfort Jinyoung felt from Mark was undeniable. If Jaebum is his boyfriend, Mark is most definitely his best friend.

Mark’s heart clenches at each of Jinyoung’s pleads to disappear, to die, and a part of him wishes that Jaebum would just come back so the younger boy could find happiness. Why it took Jaebum so long to return again, he doesn't know.

Jinyoung becomes dependent on Mark from that day on. It’s nothing romantic, as his heart still yearns for Jaebum, but Mark is there as an anchor for his anxiety and depression - he keeps him at bay but Jinyoung no longer feels the happiness he felt with Jaebum there.

The day Jaebum shows up is the morning after Jinyoung has one of his worst panic attacks - Jaebum finds him curled in Mark’s arms (a stranger to him), and his blood boils. He hasn't had an episode since long before he was discharged, and seeing his love so comfortable with someone else made him see red.

They both wake up to the sound of Jaebum’s scream, and for the first time, Jinyoung sees Mark cower. Jaebum is lunging for Mark, just barely avoiding Jinyoung, and Jinyoung is torn between happy Jaebum is there, and angered and sad that it's under such poor circumstances.

Jinyoung screams and Jaebum snaps out of it. “Leave him alone.”

“Who is he, Jinyoung.”

“A friend. My friend. So don't hurt him, Jaebummie.” Jinyoung’s voice is pleading, and Jaebum immediately softens, heart heavy at the sight of his distraught boyfriend.

“Why was he holding you like that? Is he really… just a friend?”

“Yes. I love you, only. He helps me, Jaebum. He helps me when I really can't stand being without you, and he helps me when I really can't stand being alive. I’ve been miserable, I haven't seen you in over a month, it kept making me think that we weren't together anymore, you didn't want to be with me anymore, _you didn't love me anymore_ , and it hurt. I constantly found myself looking death in the eye and Mark was there each time to remind me that there are better things in this world, brighter days…”

Jinyoung missed Jaebum’s scent. His body immediately relaxes the moment the elder pulls him into an embrace, apologizing constantly for not being enough for him, for not being there for him, and Jinyoung forgives him, because he promised Jaebum he’d forgive him if he ever hurt him, because he loves him.

Mark is second to receive an apology, and with a kind smile, Mark forgives Jaebum and leaves the two alone in their own company. Jaebum doesn't think he deserves Mark’s forgiveness.

Jinyoung tells Jaebum about Mark and his story, about his struggle with depression and his attempt to suppress it through drugs, he tells Jaebum about how he sees himself in Mark, and he wants to become better so he doesn't have to become like Mark. Jaebum learns that Jinyoung feels sad when he sees Mark look at himself in the mirror - the deterioration of his body and of his looks solely because of his drug abuse.

“He’s miserable without you,” Mark says to Jaebum in private, before he leaves. “There’s only so much I can do, but that kid, he really makes my heart ache. He’s visibly happy when he talks about you, but each time the conversation led to you, he thought about all the bad. I’m sure you’re busy, but try to make time. One of these days Jinyoung will really be teetering on the edge of this building and I only have so much power to stop him.”

“Thank you.. for being there for him. I’m sorry I was rude and acted too quickly on what I saw. I’ll try to be better to him.”

“I just want to save the kid before he becomes like me.” The smile on his face is sincere, “he’s like a mirror image of myself to me. I’ll take good care of him while you’re away.”

It's not that Jinyoung is any happier when Jaebum leaves again, but he finds some peace of mind. He enjoys taking walks in the garden and laying out on the rooftop to stare at the stars at night, he looks forward to late night heart-to-heart talks with Mark, where they speak with hushed voices and bated breath so the nurses don't hear them. The progress he made slowly begins to return, and he, in return for all of Mark’s kindness, motivates the elder to return to his healthy state.

Days are still often lonely, Jinyoung continuously longs to be in Jaebum’s strong arms, he wants to bury himself in his love and never return. He longs to be loved, to be held, to be kissed like there’s no tomorrow, but when Jaebum visits he only stays for the allowed time.

“What do you want to do when you get out of here?” Mark asks over lunch one day, and it reminds Jinyoung faintly of Jaebum, and the premise of the future gives him a giddy feeling. “Go back to school, first of all. So I can get my degree, pursue what I want. And.. I want to go on dates with Jaebum.”

Mark smiles endearingly. “Yeah? What's your dream date?”

“I want to go camping, like, real camping, where the nature is alive, and at night we can go stargazing. There’s never stars in the city, but when you’re out there… it's a whole other world.” Jinyoung’s eyes twinkle.

“I’m sure Jaebum would be delighted to do that with you.”

“We can go one day with you too, hyung.”

Mark waves a hand around dismissively, a bitter smile on his lips. “It’ll be a long while until I’m out of here. Probably, by the time I’m out of here you would've forgotten me, kiddo.”

Mark asks this because he knows something Jinyoung doesn't.

Jaebum and Jinyoung’s mother show up one day, leaving Jinyoung in confusion as he packs his bags and leaves. It’s a bittersweet goodbye, but Mark knows, and he has known.

Jinyoung moves in with Jaebum. Home is warm and comforting with Jaebum, it is not the same cold and lonely home he knew. The world seems brighter than before, Jinyoung notices the sun more often, and enjoys humming along with the chirping birds as the sky paints itself a pale orange, slithers of light peeking through the curtains to illuminate the room.

Jinyoung is not healed. He still relapses, he still finds his eyes lingering a little too long on the silvers of the kitchen knives, and head telling him how far the distance is from their apartment to the ground, how painful would it be? He’s better. He sits out on the balcony with Jaebum on nights where he finds it hard to breathe and looks at the sky - Jaebum likes to say that if you look at the sky three times a day you can live a happy life. Jaebum will sing him sweet nothings and hold his hand, the pad of his thumb caressing his expanse of his skin.

Jinyoung tries to look at the sky more often. It’s harder than it seems, to look up every once in a while when you feel lower than the ground beneath your feet, but he’s trying, and Jaebum appreciates it. He showers him in love and praise, and Jinyoung loves the way Jaebum’s arms feel around his body, nothing feels more like home than when he’s with his love.

Jaebum is not the man he once was. He has better control over his anger, he’s learned more how to breathe deep than to succumb himself to held breaths, rather than fists deep in a wall irreparable. When Jaebum goes back to work, Jinyoung gets a little miserable. He never draws the curtains, he stays in bed all day and fights off the urge to pick at the scars on his wrists and hang over the edge of the balcony.

Spontaneously, he manages to pull himself out of bed and throw on decent clothing, leaving the apartment without notifying Jaebum and going back to the place he sees in his nightmares, but also in his fondest memories.

He doesn’t know what tells him to do it, or how he even knows his way there, but he stands in front of the mental hospital, breath heavy and vision hazy. He doesn’t even wait - there are nurses chasing after him and telling him to stop, but he finds himself in front of his old room, Mark is the only name running through his mind.

The creak of the wooden door is familiar when he opens it, but the image his eyes meet is one that stains his brain immediately. Three white lines and a rolled sheet of paper, Mark hunched over it. Mark flinches, Jinyoung hates seeing Mark vulnerable.

His heart drops to his stomach. He came to see his best friend, because he didn’t have the strength to lift his head up and look at the sky, he didn’t have the will to take deep breaths - he just needed comfort, and yet the sight in front of him tearing his heart back into shreds.

Mark immediately puts everything down and backs away until there’s no room left to cower in fear and sadness. “Why are you here?”

“Why’d you do it? Where’d you get it? You’re better than this-”

“No, I’m not, Jinyoung. He-he came back. He told me he loved me, he kissed me and held me, slipped it into my pocket and told me he’d be back to give me more because he knew I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s the only thing pulling me out of my depression, he’s the only thing pulling me out of my depression. I’m not better than this, I’m a fucking addict, I’m a wreck, I’m useless and I’ll die just like this. Drugged and miserable.”

Jinyoung breaks down in tears, Mark hates that it’s a familiar sight. He hates even more that it’s because of him. “Maybe you should go home, Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung hangs his head low, staring at the worn out shoes on his feet, hoping some force underneath the ground would just swallow him up whole. “I can’t, I came to see you, because I need you. I can’t go home.”

“I’m not good for you, Jinyoung.”

“You saved my life.” He looks up at Mark with red and teary eyes, “you’re one of the two good things in this world for me. I need you, I need to see you be happy, I need you to join me in the outside world. If you tell me to go home, I might just end up back here.”

“Jinyoung, please, just go home.” He begins to sweep away the lines of white powder on his table, storing it back in a plastic bag and throwing it inside a drawer. “You can’t see me like this.”

“If I can’t see you like this now, how do I know if I’ll ever see you again? If next time I come here you’ll be dead because… because you let that asshole manipulate you as drug you again with the excuse that it’s love?” Jinyoung stomps into the room, shutting the door behind him. “I’ve been in love, hyung. I’m in love, and love is not bringing drugs to someone who’s desperately trying to fight off addiction. Love is not bringing someone their kryptonite and telling them to keep it around because it’s love. Love isn’t any of that shit. Love is looking at the same person that they see in the mirror and loving what they hate, love is doing everything you can to heal the other person. I know the way you look at yourself, hyung.”

Mark whimpers. Jinyoung doesn’t know when they switched roles - Mark was always telling him about the realities of the world, the warped realities in their heads, he was always the one pulling Jinyoung back into the world when he felt lost and misguided. Jinyoung hates seeing Mark vulnerable. His heart aches, breathing gets hard again. He just wanted to see his best friend.

“I’m going home.”

Mark doesn’t have it in him to reach out to him, so he just sits there, crestfallen as Jinyoung walks out the door and away. Jinyoung doesn’t go home. He goes far, far, away, by the river. The sun has set by now, he probably has a phone filled with worried text messages from Jaebum, but he just needs peace of mind.

Jaebum panics. He panics, and he goes to the mental hospital to look for Jinyoung and finds Mark instead. “Did Jinyoung stop by?”

“He did, but he said he was going home. Did he not come home?”

“No, what the hell happened? Why did he come here? What did you do?”

“He said he was going to relapse if he didn’t come here. I think I made it worse. He caught me at a bad time.” Jaebum’s stomach bubbles up with anger and he lands a punch square on Mark’s jaw, practically fuming, no control of his anger - it’s his first episode since leaving the hospital.

“What the _fuck_ did you do to him? What if he’s fucking hanging off the edge of a building because you couldn’t give him the comfort he needed when he needed it? What if he’s back to being scared, unhappy, and suicidal? What the _fuck_ are you going to do?”

“Depression doesn’t go away, Jaebum. He’s going to be sad and suicidal no matter how hard you try.” He massages his jaw. “Stop wasting your time here and go fucking look for him.”

Jaebum is absolutely livid. He shoves Mark out of the way and leaves the hospital, trying to think of where Jinyoung could possibly be.

He finds him at the river, the moon shining in the ripples of the water and on the left side of Jinyoung’s face. Jaebum finally feels at peace, and he takes a seat next to Jinyoung, nudging him softly.

They don’t exchange words, Jinyoung can read the relief of Jaebum’s face, and Jaebum can read the exhaustion on Jinyoung’s. He leans forward and kisses him instead, relaying his love and passion for him, wanting to reiterate it _over and over and over again_ until the sun loses its shine, and the moonlight no longer illuminates the stars in Jinyoung’s eyes.

“I’m sorry for making you worry.” Jinyoung breathes out. “There was just so much on my plate, and seeing Mark made things worse when they were supposed to be better.”

“What did that asshole do to you?”

“He didn’t do anything, what makes you think that? And since when was he an asshole?” Jinyoung leans into Jaebum’s side.

“He said - he said he thinks he made things worse with you.”

“Well he did. That’s not wrong. But he didn’t do anything to hurt me.” He mumbles. “He only did it to himself. When I walked in… there were lines of cocaine, he was about to snort it, but I walked in before he could. His ex gave it to him. He’s trying to drug him into thinking he loves him.”

“Why did that make things worse?”

“You didn’t know hyung like I did.” His eyes shift from the navy of the sky, instead to the reflection of it on the waters of the river. “He tore himself apart everyday for being a fool to love someone that fed his addiction to drugs. He hated himself, and, I understood. I hate myself too, but he loathed himself everyday. On nights where he thought I was asleep, he’d berate himself, degrade himself, hurt himself. He hated himself so much for allowing his life to be the way it was. To see him go back to drugs after thinking he’d finally be okay…”

Jinyoung’s eyes match the dampness of the river, glistening in the white of the moon and the stars, calm, yet rushing all at once. “I couldn’t bear to see it. It hurt so much. I didn’t want him to hurt anymore. I-I thought it was my fault, because I wasn’t there for him anymore, he needed an outlet, so he went back to his ex and looked for more drugs. I wasn’t there to anchor him. It’s my fault.”

“Jinyoung.” Jaebum’s voice is calming, much like the sound of rain on rooftops, or the crashing of waves on the shore - Jinyoung visibly relaxes. “It’s not your fault. You can’t control what he does or how he feels. You can’t control that you’re getting better and he’s not.”

“But he _was_. He was getting better when I was there and I just left him. He is me. But he has no one to rely on, he’s sleeping in that cold room alone, wondering if one day he’ll be out of there. He has no one to hold him when he relapses or when he cries, he’s alone.”

“Some people need to learn to get better alone.”

“Shut the fuck up, Jaebum.” That’s the first time Jinyoung snaps at Jaebum. Jinyoung usually succumbs to Jaebum’s opinions, he’s scared of Jaebum lashing out at him. “You wouldn’t know a damn thing about what it’s like needing others to heal. We don’t all have it easy like you, we can’t just suppress our anger and call it a day. You don’t just _get better_ wallowing in your own thoughts alone.”

“Of course I fucking know what it’s like!” Jaebum shoves Jinyoung away from him, seething, fists balled so tight that his knuckles paint a pale white. “You think, that without you, I would’ve been able to fucking get better? It’s all about fucking you, and your depression, do you think I don’t relapse sometimes? Do you think I’m not fucking struggling?”

Jinyoung weeps, but Jaebum can’t bring it in himself to care. Jaebum hates when Jinyoung cries, but this time, eyes glazed over red and blood boiling, he thinks Jinyoung deserves to cry. “It’s not all about you, Jinyoung, this life isn’t all about you. The world doesn’t fucking revolve around you. Just because you fixed me doesn’t mean you fixed Mark, you’re not as great as you think you are.”

Jinyoung scoots away from Jaebum, any ounce of self confidence he had slowly deteriorating, disintegrating, into absolutely nothing. He knows Jaebum is having an episode - but it hurts. Everything Jaebum says hurts, and it hurts because it’s _true_. Jaebum walks away, and Jinyoung just watches him. He watches the love of his life leave, after ripping his heart from his chest and shredding it apart with his bare hands - he watches his anchor, his safety, his everything, walk away through the watery lens in front of his eyes.

Jinyoung doesn’t go home. He instead goes back to Mark, is chased by nurses again and locks himself in the room, laying in the empty bed across from Mark’s and tries to fall asleep.

Jinyoung doesn’t sleep. Mark wakes up and Jinyoung is there, eyes wide, and red, stark bright in comparison to the dark crescents that hang underneath his eyes. Jinyoung’s knees are hugged to his chest, and his fingernails scratch violently at his wrist, almost subconsciously. Mark kneels on his bruised knees next to Jinyoung, slim fingers slipping between Jinyoung’s hands and wrists to stop him.

Jinyoung sobs. He doesn’t think he’s cried this hard since he left the hospital, the world around him seems so small once again, but perhaps he wasn’t made for the outside world. “You’re going to hurt yourself that way.” Mark says, voice hushed and low.

“That’s the point.” He hiccups, over, and over, and over again. “I want that. It takes away the hurt in my heart.”

“I know I’m not one to be preaching about not going back to things that only harm you, but you can’t do this, Jinyoung.” He continues to hold Jinyoung’s hands. “What happened?”

“Jaebum… he found me yesterday, and I told him about how I thought it was my fault that you went back to drugs. He got angry he started pushing me, telling me that the world doesn’t revolve around me, that I’m insignificant. I’ve felt that way enough in my life but to hear it come from him…”

“You said he was bipolar, right? He probably didn’t mean a thing. The asshole got angry and punched me yesterday, but he loves you so much. _So, so much_. He would never mean to hurt you.”

“I’m afraid to go back home, hyung.” Jinyoung trembles where he is, the thin blanket on the bed doing nothing to soothe the chill in his heart.

“You have to. Jaebum will miss you.”

That’s all it takes for Jinyoung to get out of bed, he hugs Mark like his life depends on it - when did he get so skinny? - and heads home.

Home feels warm. There’s a tremor in his voice when he announces his arrival, but home is warm, he can already smell Jaebum, and his heart feels at ease.

There Jaebum is, with wide eyes and disheveled hair, even like this, Jaebum is the prettiest person Jinyoung’s ever seen. He’s so in love that it hurts. The words fall from Jaebum’s lips. “I’m sorry.”

Jinyoung doesn’t need anything more for him to be buried in Jaebum’s warm embrace, his hiccups and tears muffled by the thick cloth of Jaebum’s sleepshirt. Jaebum doesn’t know why Jinyoung always forgives him so easily. He doesn’t think he deserves it.

Jinyoung kisses Jaebum like there’s no tomorrow, he loves the feelings of his love’s lips melded with his own, as if two pieces of a puzzle. He loves the way Jaebum’s hands rest in the crooks of his hips when the kiss, it’s possessive, it’s powerful, and it’s comfortable, most of all. Jinyoung could kiss him for days and never get tired.

“I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry.” Jaebum’s breath tickles the shell of his ear when they break their kiss and he wraps him in a warm embrace instead. “You forgive me too easily.”

Jinyoung doesn’t say a word, he just stays there, in Jaebum’s embrace the way he’s meant to be. Today the sunlight rips through the curtains and it’s golden rays kiss the skin of Jaebum’s left hand face. Jinyoung is in love with Jaebum at all moments, even ones where he looks like he hasn’t slept; Jaebum looks pretty in every light.

Jinyoung could live - just like that. With Jaebum, like nothing else in this world mattered but the two of them.

**Author's Note:**

> okay i'm sorry i know i didn't give you closure for mark and i'm that mean author that leaves you hanging. i do want to do a spinoff for mark one of these days, so don't get too sad! i'll try to get inspired for it soon so we can get closure for him right away.
> 
> also i’m always open to talk (and receive your complaints about how i left it open ended)  
> catch me cryin over got7 on twitter @yienlove


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